Instincts
by twice the rogue
Summary: Post living doll. I've tried to take a different angle from other post living doll fics. It's GSR and mainly consists of a monologue by Sara. Bittersweet.


Instincts

Okay, this is a post living doll story. It consists mainly of a monologue by Sara.

Disclaimer: I do not own C.S.I. and am not making any profit off of this story.

'The weight was crushing down on my back, the pain was unbearable it filled my whole body until I felt that the only way to survive was to block it out. It was hard because it was so intense, I can't even describe it. I don't want to describe it because to describe it is to remember it.

So I thought of you, I thought of you to help me block out the pain. I never wanted children. Unfortunately all it takes to be a parent is eggs and sperm, it's not like you need to have the right characteristic. You don't need to have motherly instinct. So many children get hurt because they don't have a loving parent, that's what I always thought. My parents were never really all that caring, to be truthful, they were bad parents. You don't see that when you're a child but you realise, as you get older. You see all the things your parents did to you and all the things that they shouldn't have. I use to think that maybe I was the same. That if I had a child I'd end up hurting them as much as my parents hurt me. I never saw myself as a motherly person either. Up to the point where that little strip turned blue I had never let myself think about children it was just totally out of the question, not possible.

So there I was under that car, in the middle of the desert having just found out I was pregnant that morning. I was afraid. I wasn't afraid for myself though, I was afraid for you, my child. The child I had never thought about and never wanted and you know I realised something I was probably about to die and was in a lot of pain but all I was worried about was losing you. I realised that I loved you, that I had always wanted you, that you were the most important thing in the world and that those feelings were what they call motherly instinct. It was those instinct, you that kept me alive.

They found me, of course they did, your daddy would have torn the whole world apart to find me. I know that now, at the time I wasn't so sure. I past out when they started to lift the car off of me. When I woke up I was in the hospital and Gil was holding my hand, he looked like he'd been crying and you should know your daddy never cries. I was so scared he was going to tell me that I'd lost you. That's when he told me I was paralysed, and you know even that didn't scare me; you were the only thing I was worried about. I remember it took me ages to find the words but I eventually asked him, I said 'the baby?' You should have seen the look on his face. He had absolutely no idea I was pregnant, the nurse hadn't told him, he thought I was delirious.' Sara laughed. ' I told him everything, I mean everything, not just about finding out I was pregnant but also about how you were what kept me alive and how I felt about you. I also told him about how I was worried because I didn't know if he wanted children. I talked for ages and he didn't say a word, when I finished talking he looked at me and smiled, just smiled. We called the nurse and after a few uncomfortable tests she told me you were fine. You will never know how relieved I was.

After the relief I got depressed, I started to understand that I'd never use my legs again. I'm alright now but that's why I'll never be able to play some of the games other mommies would and sometimes I'll need help looking after you but I love you. I love you more than I've ever love anything or anything else in the world.'

'Sara.' Sara looked around. Gil was stood at the door smiling.

'How long have you been stood there?'

'Long enough.' He walked closer to Sara so he could see through the bars of the cradle. His daughter was sleeping peacefully despite Sara's monologue. He knew he was a father and he was meant to think his daughter was perfect but he still believed she was the most beautiful thing in the world. At four months old she seemed to hold an ageless wisdom, she seemed to understand every word they spoke to her and they spoke to her a lot. He looked across at Sara. He knew she was still depressed. She had gained back a lot of her independence when given the space but it still upset her that she couldn't look after Charlotte as well as she wished.

'You know, you were wrong.' He placed his hand on her shoulder.

'About what?'

'I wouldn't have tore apart the whole planet to find you. I would have tore apart the entire universe.'

'That is so corny.'

'I know but it doesn't make it any less true.'

Sara smiled up at him from her wheelchair. 'I love you.'

'I love you to. You and Charlotte are my life.'

Okay, that one was just floating about in my head. Did you like it?


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